Koreanish » dialogues

Honoré de Balzac Used Coffee to Write La Comédie Humaine and That’s Good Enough For Me

koreanish — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 20:34:19 +0000

Scene: My office, yesterday afternoon. I’m making tea for my friend and collaborator Teddy after a short lunch at Veracruzana.

Teddy [looking out window]: Uh oh. Someone spelled “CRYSTAL” out there on the soccer field. Amherst!

Me: I guess it’s time to have the annual “Hitler’s Drug of Choice” conversation.

Dear America: You’re Broke, Hungry, and Dying Young, Also Maybe On Fire But Not A Gasoline Fire Because You Can’t Afford That

koreanish — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 15:46:28 +0000

Life expectancy in the US for women has dropped sharply, at its lowest since the Spanish Flu epidemic in 1918
As if sensing this, in the same time period, suicide rates jumped among children and young adults.
Also, an average of 18 veterans a day commit suicide. That’s almost one every hour.
People are hoarding food.
Bill Gates says that even if you do well in high school, you don’t know enough to succeed in this economy because our American high schools are not competitive internationally. He’s freaked out. Those are his words. Luckily, people listen to him because he’s rich. Also, he will live long, as he can afford any of his illnesses. And he can send his children abroad for schooling, where they will get decent educations, not be suicidal or have to fight in wars.
They will also be able to afford to drive but only because soon, only billionaires will be able to drive: gas prices are at 3.47, headed to 3.77 by the end of the month, and a 4.00 summer. Diesel is already over 4.00 a gallon
A short conversation I had with a taxi driver in San Francisco may explain why your gas prices will not go down, your prescriptions will now cost more and the war will never end — why John McCain said “I think you could argue that Americans overall are better off, because we have had a pretty good prosperous time, with low unemployment, low inflation. A lot of good things have happened.”: Cab Driver: You’re a professor? I had a professor in my car that I took up here in 2000. [we were headed to the USF campus] He was a professor at Berkeley. He told me then actually that the Republicans had a plan in place to take the wealth of the country and put it in the hands of the top 2% of the country. He said he had that from a wealthy Republican friend of his. Me: Seriously? Cab Driver: Yeah. And you know, that’s exactly what happened. At the time I thought he was nuts, and didn’t think much of it. And then after articles started saying it had happened, I remembered it. Me: Was that before or after the election that year? Cab Driver: [thinking] Before.

In Which An International Student Describes My Country To Me

koreanish — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 16:34:20 +0000

What follows is an excerpt from an alumni interview with a prospective student [easily, I might add, one of the most impressive young women I've ever met].

Me: Tell me about some of the challenges you’ve had to overcome while living here.

Chinese International Student: Well, I think mostly, misconceptions. About China, about the US. For example, people here don’t understand, why we do not mix religion and democracy. I think it is very dangerous to democracy to mix religion with it.

Me: But of course, here, it’s supposed to be separate.

CIS and myself: [nervous laughter]

CIS: I mean, “In God We Trust”, as a national motto, that’s very dangerous to a democracy.

Me: You’re telling me.

In Which I Find A New Motto

koreanish — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 04:07:38 +0000

6:10 PM lance: take the extra shot

they always seem to ask at the airport bar….

I’ve always thought it was funny, make it a double for a dollar or two more.

6:11 PM so I’d say the new motto should be “take the extra shot”

me: heh

6:12 PM lance:

6:14 PM me: I’ll try it out

6:15 PM that’s a shot of espresso, right?

lance: yeah, sure, why not.

lol.

usually when I’m at the airport its jack or gin….

6:16 PM but if espresso is what you’re flying with…why not.

so, another day of pavement pounding resulted in the coveting of luxury goods.

6:17 PM montbanc boheme was today’s distraction.

the platinum , not gold trim.

6:18 PM I’m easily distracted by shiny objects.

6:19 PM and I’ve decided that the very concept of online applications with accompanying “tests” is morally….

well, it’s kinda fucked up.

6:20 PM something soul-less going on out there.

6:22 PM me: wait

for credit cards?

lance: no, for employment.

6:23 PM in the world of retail it’s all online apps and screening now.

6:24 PM they all have like 30 minute multiple choice “tests” to pre-screen applicants.

so, in a nutshell….

they want drones.

6:25 PM don’t even get me started on my level of disgust at learning this.

paper applications and personalities don’t really do it anymore.

me: wow

6:26 PM “tests”

like, what’s a question

(I feel a blog post coming on)

lance: the next time you’re wondering why service is so bad at wherever…. consider that the corp screened out the personality

basic questions.

6:27 PM “do you have many regrets in life?”

” you prefer being in the middle of a crowd”

“you complete tasks before starting something else”

6:28 PM me: haha! This is going to be the best blog post ever

lance: and the answers are the multiple choice ; strongly agree, agree, disagree, strongly disagree.

I Don’t Know What To Call This, Because I’m So Appalled.

koreanish — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 18:28:07 +0000

Scene: Chevy Chase, MD. A small suburban neighborhood. My sister is moving to California. It’s June. The movers are packing and as I eat lunch, I speak with one of the movers, a young woman in charge of packing the delicate items, who’s told me she’s earning money while in college.

Me: We lost power last night because of the storm. But it wasn’t for very long.

Mover: You’re lucky. We still don’t have power back in my neighborhood.

Me: It’s not luck, exactly. The neighbor next door here is the president’s adviser on the Mideast. So, they work pretty quick in neighborhoods like this.

Mover: What’s the Mideast?

Me: (Tries to hide fear of her question) Uh, you know, Iran, Iraq.

Mover: I don’t know what that is.

Me: They’re…we’re at war with Iraq?

Mover: [Shrugs].

Follow the link to today’s NY Times article, Dumb and Dumber: Are Americans Hostile To Knowledge?:

Short Exchanges At The AWP: In The Bar At The Hilton

koreanish — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 17:06:57 +0000

Scene: I go to the bar at the Hilton, to meet up with Aaron Hamburger and get a drink. There’s one chair. I sit down. We’re surrounded by 7500 writers on several floors, in New York for the Associated Writing Programs Conference. In the seat next to me, I recognize a woman from grad school.

Former Classmate From Iowa: Hey!

Me: Hey!

FCFI: How are you? [Embargoed Short Exchange Of Biographies To Protect Her Identity].

Me: Yes. They’re great.

FCFI: You know, you’re a lot friendlier than you used to be, back at school.

Me: I am?

FCFI: You don’t remember how you used to be?

Me: No. I’m having Mean Amnesia.

FCFI: I won’t remind you then.

[Author's note: Too late!]

Ending Your Days Of Bachelor Loneliness With A Wild Husband

koreanish — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 18:24:34 +0000

10:28 AM thiago: dude i need a BF

10:29 AM hooking up casually is exhausting haha

me: it is

why do you say that?

10:30 AM what happened?

thiago: haha

emotionally exhausting that is

10:31 AM nothing happened, im just bummed out that i liked the boy and i wont ever see him again

me: ah

thiago: im not a tourist in rome, alas

me: no, you are not.

10:32 AM thiago: seriously, i wanna date, tho… im 31 and i havent properly… [redacted] is like that too… we never dated properly

10:33 AM me: well, I know [redacted]‘s reasons. What are yours?

It’s okay not to settle down until now.

thiago: what are his?

dating is not settling down!

me: heh

10:34 AM I mean, ending your days of bachelor loneliness with a wild husband.

thiago: i dont know mine, maybe his will enlighten me haha

me: he hates himself.

thiago: haha

happens a lot

me: yeah

10:35 AM thiago: no i dont hate myself tho yeah self sabotage is often involved in such cases

me: I could give you a nuanced version of the conversations, but that’s it in a nutshell.

sure.

What does insabowa mean?

thiago: work hard hehe

10:36 AM thiago: very hermetic brazilian slang

10:37 AM me: is that the gay slang you told me about or something else?

thiago: i have absolutely no good excuse for not having a fuck buddy

me: You’re in Italy, for God’s sake.

thiago: nah its really just nongay slang

me: Surrounded by handsome men.

10:38 AM thiago: the gay scene isnt that great

me: Sometimes I think I want to move to Brazil and just speak that gay slang for the rest of my life.

thiago: eh, alas, im part of a certain scene lets face it

me: ?

thiago: that might not be prominent here or rather not out here

still closeted a scene in a place like rome

10:39 AM that scene being slightly musclebearish homo geeks who act like lesbians hahaha

10:40 AM oh add socialist to that

and some hippie

haha

its a prominent scene in california i tell ya

10:41 AM i seem to find anything other than that type undateable

me: wait

10:42 AM those guys are hot though.

thiago: hot nerds, man, nothing like hot nerds

me: I don’t get it. You’re saying they’re there or they are not there?

10:43 AM thiago: no, here in Rome you don’t see much of those… not out anyway… when you meet them they’ re foreign

10:44 AM me: So…you need to capture one while he visits.

thiago: you see bears, gym bunnies, superqueens, tranny chasers, priests, what else

me:

thiago: eh

me: just kidding.

say it was me.

10:45 AM say I was in this situation. what would you tell me?

thiago: jack off, keep on banging foreigners when you can haha

10:46 AM me: Oi.

thiago: why do people need scenes anyway

10:47 AM they do tho

me: so they can find each other.

We’re social animals.

thiago: nooo, when you find someone it’s always like they’re glowing in the dark

me: we’re not yet brains with feeding solution bubbling around us while we tap out messages telekinetically on keyboards.

10:48 AM thiago: yet, huh

me: I’m insane, pay no attention.

thiago: well, when we are in theory we wouldnt be able to tell the difference, i never got how the whole brain in jar thing was disproved hehehe

10:49 AM me: We’re moved off your single problem, though. How do we get another brain in that jar over there?

It’s a problem here too.

Sort of.

10:50 AM I wasn’t aware that the internet was the primary social mover here. Despite being on it way, way too much.

thiago: my problems always pertain all of humanity haha

which sucks

cause obviously theyre not easy to fix

me: Now I am, and things are changing a little. Is there something besides Dlist that can help you find guys there?

thiago: you live in a small place too

10:51 AM me: these guys in Paris have a social network attached to their blog: http://paris.typepad.com/

they’re sort of LA, sort of Paris, but neither of them is French.

So, that’s your scene, right?

Kind of?

10:52 AM thiago: my problem with the online hookup is that i absolutely need to see and hang out with the man before even considering a hook up

and online people want to make very specific arrangements for meeting

the more closeted a society is, the more specific the arrangements

10:53 AM and of course online everyone is a ninja with a huge dick

i cant agree to meet such a ninja and top him in 30 minutes at mine or his place

10:54 AM so getting a guy willing to meet for coffee is pretty hard

me: You’re amazing.

thiago: haha

me: Yes, all of that is true.

thiago: yeah, mostly everywhere

10:55 AM me: But that doesn’t mean you don’t try, just because it’s hard.

As someone said to me yesterday, these online things are what you make of them.

Until there’s an international network for slightly bearish homogeeks…oh wait.

thiago: i actually met several good close friends online so the online thing isnt the villain…. closeted idiots are haha

10:56 AM men oughta come out already

me: what about http://www.buttmagazine.com/

they have a network called buttheads.

thiago: my friend was interviewed by butt hehe

me: which friend? Your new friend?

thiago: adriano

no, an old friend hehe

10:57 AM he was featured recently actually

me: Right on. I have the book.

And the new issue.

thiago: these things in italy are virtually unknown… even dlist is

10:58 AM me: But the thing is, they are known to the few who are like you.

that is the point of it.

You know about it so they know about it. That’s how you find each other.

10:59 AM thiago: in theory haha

me: You can’t tell me you want to date and then dig your heels in with the only solutions.

Ok you can.

but the only other solution is to move.

thiago: no i have a dlist profile

11:00 AM another one is bah, going for the closet kids… i dont like that

11:02 AM the solution is either move where there are scenes or penetrate the italian scenes

its all very guerilla style haha

and kinda old

11:03 AM but its not italy, come on, its me, the problem is always us

11:04 AM which is to say there is no problem

me:

11:05 AM Yeah. I’m actually getting my acupuncturist to help.

He’s stimulating my boyfriend meridians.

thiago: what are those?

me: I’m just kidding.

Sort of.

He’s working on how much I live in my head.

11:06 AM thiago: to decrease that or the opposite?

me: oh, definitely decrease it.

11:07 AM He said something interesting to me about how my pulses ran much deeper than he thought they would.

they were hard to find and he didn’t expect that.

Which suggests something I’ve felt for a while, which is that there’s a me hidden inside me.

who needs to stop treating his body like it’s a jar for his brain.

One reason you may have been single all this time is that you may be like this.

There may be a you in you who doesn’t believe what he wants can exist.

11:10 AM and so you keep him hidden so he doesn’t get hurt.

thiago: it does exist ive seen it

me: but in the meantime he’s starving.

and furious with you.

maybe.

11:11 AM thiago: one big reason is that i didn’t become a proper homo until i was like 27

me: So you’re still a baby.

thiago: yup

haha

me: or a teenager.

11:12 AM thiago: but the problem of scenes and people coming together, and the online and what not… geez someone has to sort that out already, how hard is it

11:13 AM me: We need arranged marriages.

we need gay parents to set it up for us.

thiago: haha

11:14 AM i saw something weird and depressive at a gay bar it kinda freaked me out

i thought a guy was cute and i came to talk to him

me: oi

thiago: and he didnt even reply to me

not a word

11:15 AM eventually walked off

i was like what

then later i heard him speak to another

basically he was supergay

11:16 AM and wouldnt speak to me so i wouldnt hear it

W T F

me: you mean…he had a very fey accent?

or he thought he was better than you?

thiago: yep… and he felt animosity towards me causa i dont

both

haha

11:17 AM he wanted to keep the advantage

me: weird.

thiago: he basically acted like a chick

chicks do that

they[ll horribly mistreat a guy coming up to them to stay on top of the situation

11:18 AM affff

he was hot, too, i didnt mind the accent, just the personality

haha

me: so he wanted you to chase him?

11:19 AM thiago: probably, he was acting chick like, i dont get chicks haha

11:20 AM fortunately i met the hot hawaiian the same day

me: well, that’s why you’re gay

see? There are no mistakes in life.

thiago: who was a MERKIN and not ITALIAN, damn italians

dude ive been in italy for a year, a year is when you bitch about your new land as an expatriate

me: do you know there’s a thing called a merkin?

11:21 AM thiago: yeah haha

no idea why people would need genital wigs tho

me: I’m so glad we don’t live in those times.

11:22 AM thiago: why did theyuse that??

me: though I suppose an online profile is like an electronic merkin.

I guess we live in those times.

thiago: yeah makes sense

11:23 AM the italian version – versions actually – of craigslist are soooo creepy

me: tell

11:24 AM thiago: in the good old days of CL in SF you could write a novella on a CL and get your man haha

right down to the most thorough detail

here its transexual hooker ads land

me: Wow. Is that what I should do?

11:25 AM Amazing.

thiago: worth a shot

fun project anyway haha

The Deathless Robot Hookers of Myspace

koreanish — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 01:01:49 +0000

6:32 PM me: You need to join facebook so we can play scrabulous.

6:33 PM Laura: what is it?

me: online scrabble

but not timed.

Laura: and can it possibly be worth joining facebook?

me: yes.

plus you can play zombie wars.

you know this will be fun.

6:34 PM Laura: how about zombie scrabble?

me: we could try.

perhaps that’s an untapped application that will make you millions if you make it.

Laura: there’s a business model for me

I don’t think zombies are very good at scrabble

6:35 PM would make for a very short and messy game

me: exactly

my friend porochista would be all over it.

Laura: I picture a scrabble board covered with body parts

me: what upsets her is that she can’t throw the board when she’s losing if it’s online.

6:36 PM Laura: and throwing a laptop really isn’t nearly as satisfying

and a lot more expensive

me: yeag

plus, pieces don’t fly everywhere with that wooden click.

6:37 PM Laura: and you can’t fondle all your nice smooth tiles

6:38 PM if you’re playing online

me: that’s ok with me.

Laura: I’m afraid you’re just going to have to come visit if you want to play scrabble with me

I don’t think I’m going to be on facebook anytime soon

me: I actually enjoy it online. but okay.

6:39 PM Laura: there must be other places one can play online, yes?

aside from face book?

6:40 PM me: uh…I don’t know.

that’s the thing about facebook.

everything is in one place.

6:41 PM Laura: oh well.

not sure why I’m so resistant to facebook

me: gregg taylor is there.

6:42 PM Laura: I have enough online places to monitor. do I really need another one?

oh, well, if GGreg is there!

me: what social networking sites are you on?

There’s all these act up people on there. it’s so funny.

Laura: really? who else?

6:44 PM me: uh, [redacted]…

those are nyc peeps

6:46 PM Laura: do I really need to be on a social networking site? should I get caught up with this web 2.0 all the kids are raving about these days? will it make my life better?

me: it’s somehow very reassuring and I like the asynchronous nonverbal communication.

6:47 PM Laura: there is that.

which sites do you like?

6:48 PM me: I like facebook more than friendster or myspace.

I never get hookers trying to get my attention like I do on myspace.

and friendster, it seemed like everyone was very weird and not as fun.

Laura: I am on friendster.

6:49 PM or at least I was – haven’t checked in ages

6:50 PM me: there’s also goodreads, which I like a lot.

6:51 PM and is book oriented.

Laura: and no hookers?

6:53 PM me: no

Laura: or at least well read hookers

6:54 PM me: I just get tired of deleting robot hooker porn solicitations on myspace.

Laura: there are a few of those about

me: they’re always like, ‘Hi, I’m not on here much anymore…so go here…’ and I just think, that’s such a lie. You are always on here, sending people these emails. And you’re a robot.

I want to write back and say, do you do this from a phone while you shop?

6:55 PM I want hookers to tell me the truth.

Laura: “robot hooker porn” gives me an entirely different mental image than what I think you meant. very funny. I think it involves Bender from futurama….

me: yeah. love Bender.

6:56 PM Laura: you have to pay them extra for the truth. or at least tip well.

7:00 PM me: that’s the thing.

7:04 PM Laura: back. we’re cleaning up after a big party last night.

the kitchen floor is really sticky but I don’t feel like mopping it.

7:05 PM i just mopped it yesterday, damn it

me: Yes.

But sticky is gross.

Laura: I think someone dropped a drink

it is. my feet stick to the floor. I will mop it, I just resent having to do it

me: well, I’m a go make me some dinner. Good luck with getting your mind around mopping.

7:06 PM Laura: k. later.

me: if you find an online scrabble game we can play I’ll play you.

later

doesn’t have to be facebook.

Laura: maybe if I were on facebook I could find some hookers to clean the floor for me!

me: there you go…

7:07 PM Laura: I’m clearly just not thinking through all the possibilities.

anyway. enjoy your dinner.

Teeth-bleaching, check. Laser resurfacing, check. Sentences, check.

koreanish — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 19:59:41 +0000

_______: So. . .[name withheld publisher] just asked to see a headshot of me while they consider my manuscript. Is that. . .?

Me: Yeah, actually. I have a friend whose Italian and French publishers asked to see a body shot of her before they would bid on the book. And then we couldn’t decide if it was creepier that they bought it, which they did, or. . .what if they hadn’t after they saw the photo?

_______: I just can’t believe it’s like that.

Me: It’s like that.

and then we really met

koreanish — Sat, 18 Aug 2007 20:29:38 +0000

Setting: The Barn, Bread Loaf campus of Middlebury College, a series of wicker lounge chairs along the wall.

Me: So, where are you here from?

Christopher Castellani: Boston. [Pause] This is going to sound weird, but I think I know you.

Me: Really?

Chris: I think we’re myspace friends.

Me: . . .

Chris: I’m almost never on myspace, but a little while back I got a friend request from a writer who looked pretty interesting, so I took it.

Me: Yeah. It’s basically hookers and bands on myspace. And me.

Chris: Yes. Hookers and writers on myspace, basically.

Me: That was me. It’s nice to meet you.

Chris: It’s nice to meet you.